How to Be a REAL Man

douchebags How to Be a REAL Man

Hello gentlemen! I know that you try very hard every single day to be the very best men you can possibly be, and I really want to help you achieve your goals.

After all, reading this article here must make your skin crawl. It certainly did with me. I mean, who the hell does she think she is?

After all, you know full well that you are entitled no matter what to get whatever you want from women. They are objects to be obtained like a brand new Porsche, an inside tip on a stock, or a fresh case of the clap. Since you deserve all three, let me help you out with 8 new tips to make your dreams come true!

1) Seek out proper role models

Mickey Rourke is beloved by all women. Sure, he smacked the crap out of that girl from, “Wild Orchid,” and beat up Jeff Kober for daring to talk to her at the gym, but certainly, women only like jerks, just like in high school. Reality shows like, “Vanderpump Rules,” and, “Sons of Guns,” are also a good step in the right direction. Reality television is totally real, right? Of course!

2) Consult PUA literature for dating advice

Never mind the naysayers who explain that peacocks are showing their feathers to show how strong they are in other areas…try gimmicks like wearing top hats to night clubs or a t-shirt with a Cabbage Patch doll on it. Neal Strauss has it all down, dude! And women are like safes that you can crack right open with just the right combination of one-liners and manipulation. All’s fair in love and war, right?

3) Watch Porno movies for sex advice

This is what women really want in the bedroom; fast thrusting and a money shot to the face. And of course, you must not forget that the girl with the super-aggressive eye-liner and neck tattoos are just what the doctor ordered for a lifetime of happiness and no regrets.

4) Go on Tinder and tell women that you only want to f–k. They like that

Yes, 100% honesty and 100% id. You can be yourself online and you don’t have to worry about accountability.

5) Women like assholes with money, so you should behave like one always.

Grab women’s rear ends; it’s a sign of sincere affection in lady-land. Money buys happiness and women are just another asset in your man-portfolio. Don’t worry about the blow-back. It’s all a numbers game.

6) When a woman rejects your advances, call her a whore. She deserves it.

How dare she? Does she know who she is talking to? A female server or bartender is a prostitute. Duh.

7) When a woman doesn’t text you back after you text her at 2AM in the morning with, “Let’s bang,” see #6

The world is your oyster and your playground, and everyone around you only exists to serve YOU. To hell with her job and her loser boyfriend that actually pulls out chairs, rubs her back, aka all that wimpy stuff.

8) When a woman you somehow get to date you stops dating you, see #6 once more

Women don’t deserve the same basic rights we have. They are lesser creatures and can only think emotionally. You never do that. Your giant ego is earned by your actions, you know, like flash trading, corporate take-overs, Yankees hats on backwards, and so forth.

Anyway, to sum up, you won’t crash that Porsche (yes you will), you won’t go to jail for pulling a Martha Stewart (yes you will, eventually) and you also don’t have to worry about that rash on your junk, I’m sure it’s just jock itch.

Now bring on the hate from all of you “gentlemen” who can’t take a joke!

 

Guys, get over yourselves

1 Guys, get over yourselves

Tonight! As I get over my latest Vegas trip, Sue and I wax poetic about how we need to teach boys not to hit women as early as kindergarten, a douche who didn’t take a Tinder rejection kindly, and how to get over heartache. Enjoy!

Is all fair in love and war?

 

14656 Is all fair in love and war?

 

 

 

 

 

Tonight, Sue and I shoot the breeze about Joan Rivers, a guy screwing around with a married woman, a friday night girl who wants to be a guy’s every night girl, and a wacka-doo on Tinder who used a picture of yours truly as her profile pic. Enjoy!

Finance For All of Us with Carleton English

 Finance For All of Us with Carleton English

Tonight, Sue and I welcome my cousin, Carleton English, to the show as we discuss her work at CNBC, understanding finance and investing, our lack of financial education in high school, and how she met her current boyfriend. Enjoy!

(Before she comes on, Sue and I also discuss the Jennifer Lawrence photo theft, a gay kid catching his homophobic family on tape, and Joan Rivers, all before the break).

Ladies, If Our Answer Scare you, Stop Asking Scary Questions

2012 08 21CAD212LookFat2 Ladies, If Our Answer Scare you, Stop Asking Scary Questions

Tonight, Sue and I tackle a bunch of stuff, including how women never seem to want honest answers to their difficult questions, how internet dating really is no different from “real life ” dating, and how you can’t make someone like you who never will. I also put the final nail in the coffin on the ALS bucket-challenge haters. Enjoy!

Support My Cause…OR YOU DON’T CARE!!!

640 nancy ice bucket challenge Support My Cause...OR YOU DONT CARE!!! Tonight, Sue and I dive headfirst into the ALS bucket challenge, War Machine and Christy Mack, Ok Cupid’s manipulation, and your emails. Enjoy!

You Can’t Fall in Love for at Least 6 Months

i am in love wallpaper You Cant Fall in Love for at Least 6 Months

In tonight’s episode (last one until August 18th) Sue and I wax poetic about drawing selfies, 50 Shades of Grey, Robin Thicke, women who can’t stop dating the wrong guy, why I joined Tinder, and why you can’t love someone until you know all of them. Enjoy, and see you in two weeks!

Dumping Someone You Still Love

Being dumped by someone leads to frustration attraction which makes a person love the one who dumped them even more Dumping Someone You Still Love

Tonight, Sue and I wax the boards about dumping someone you still love, a Supermodel finding it difficult to date, Kim Kardashian getting racist taunts in Austria, and a nightclub in Vegas that refuses to give comp tables to “NOT HOT GIRLS.” Enjoy!

Checking Out Girls…In Front of Her

o CELEBRITIES CHECKING OUT OTHER CELEBRITIES facebook Checking Out Girls...In Front of Her Tonight, Sue and I take an email from a nice young lady whose boyfriend checks out other girls in front of her, discuss the World Cup and what it means to finish second, and why Dennis Prager is absolutely right when he says that you have a moral obligation to be happy. Enjoy!

Getting Dumped, and Finding Out Why

31264839 Getting Dumped, and Finding Out Why

Riding Solo (and dirty), I wax poetic about some moron who is suing the Yankees, whether or not you’d like to know exactly why someone is dumping you, and a different theory as to why men like dating crazy girls. Enjoy.