Sex and the City: The Movie, part 1

I’ll admit, this was going to happen sooner or later. I put it off for a while. I always said I’d never do it. I made fun of my friends who did. But, now that I have this podcast and website, I guess I need to be well informed.

I’m going to watch the Sex and the City movie.

But what would be the fun in just watching it and not commenting on it, yeah?

Why not?

So, here is my running commentary. Enjoy!

OPENING LOGOS: AH…New Line. We miss you already. You gave us Lord of the Rings and Freddy Krueger. But you also gave us this and House Party 3. We’ll see…

I can only imagine the screams of women as the music kicked in opening night. Guys have Indiana Jones (though not anymore, thanks for the raping, Lucas and Spielberg), and chicks have this. And the world just keeps on spinning.

The Opening Montage is a nice way to recap the series, and introduce the characters to those of us who have never seen it.
Speaking of which…

CARRIE: I like her. She’s a good writer, and though the actress that plays her is not someone I personally find physically attractive, I dig her style (her wit, not her clothes). She overthinks things WAY too much, and treated Aidan like SHIT, but we all make mistakes. And fellas, remember, every girl has her “Big.” If you aren’t hers, figure that out now, and run. Vapor trails.
CHARLOTTE: Like her even more. Can’t imagine why??
MIRANDA: For all the reasons I love Carrie and Charlotte, I flat out despise Miranda. Ever notice how the only guys she dated on the show, and of course, the dude who ended up with her, were complete total whinny pushovers? Think about it. Long and hard. Honey, you aren’t nearly hot enough for me to put up with you. The amount of an annoying succubus you are must directly correspond with how hot you are. And Miranda, you are WELL below the Heidi Klum line.
SAMANTHA: The kind of chick I would want to hang out with as a friend, and would have probably nailed years ago. Nowadays I know that with the number of sexual partners she’s had, it is statistically impossible for this broad not to have some horrible incurable third world disease. Oh fellas, I gurantee that Smith find out in this flick that you can’t turn a ho into a housewife. I have learned that the hard way in my personal life. Samantha, I love ya, but a leopard can’t change its spots. I almost feel sorry for your little pup.

OKAY, back to the movie:

“HOT DRESS” – Uh, no it’s not. I sense a trend of horrible fashion coming. You know, the kind that emphasizes the flaming gay man who designed it instead of the beautiful feminine woman who is wearing the damn thing.

Yup. For all you out there who are friends with writers, beware. You might end up a meal ticket. Did they ever explore the idea in the show that maybe the three of them don’t like being fodder for what basically amounts to a gossip column? Wait…I just felt the hypocrite monster tap me on the shoulder…

Uh, you know that Miranda in real life went lesbian, right? I am not remotely surprised.

Smith, buddy, RUN! You still have your looks!

Fellas. You get money, you get laid. End of story. And chicks will ask you to tell you that they are “the one.” Hence my MBA.

You people do realize that the number of dresses used in the first 4 minutes of this movie could slash our national debt level in half, right?

I never want to live in NYC for the simple reason that I want to avoid NYC realtors like these.

I wonder what would happen if Big put all of his money in a Ponzi scheme. Would Carrie still want him? Just asking. Make of that what you will.

Miranda actually looks kinda ho…SHUT UP JORDAN. Charlotte, lovely as always. And the costumes make me want to shove my head into a weed-wacker, as usual. Hey look, it’s Curious George’s slutty cougar aunt!

Hell hath no fury like a woman dumped. And God help you if you gave her a shit load of overrated crappy jewelry.

Please someone smack the auction broad in the face with a shovel. Finish the job that God started.

“50 fucking 1000”. I suddenly remember why I like Samantha.

“She was a smart girl, until she fell in love” Do I actually hear a logical argument in a Sex and the City story?

Carrie is actually a smart cookie. Manipulating a ba-jillionaire into slapping a rock on her finger. Don’t like it, but I respect it.

Most romantic proposal ever. The women in the theaters must have gone ape-shit. You know why? HE’S LOADED

And now I realize why Charlotte is easy on the eyes yet really really hard on the ears.

Likewise, why Samantha is easy on the ears yet really hard on the STD test.

So the inciting incident of this picture is Carrie Bradshaw getting engaged. Since this is a chick flick and a female fantasy/man-bashing fest, the over/under of Big either cheating on her or ditching her at the altar is about 2:1.

I simply can’t believe that the OTHER three ladies in this flick didn’t jump into Thunderdome and chant THREE DYSFUNCTIONAL WOMEN ENTER, ONE CRAZY CHICK LEAVE in order to determine who the maid of honor would be. I guarantee you that Kim Cattrall put it in her contract that she would do the honors on screen.

Evan Handler is funny as hell in Californication. I almost forgot he was in this show. He bagged himself a hot piece of ass Chicksa (Melissa, help me out with the spelling) AND got her to convert AND he’s a bald douche (in the show)? Nice pull!

Designer dresses. What women and gay men find important. AKA 99% of this film’s target audience.

So, in NYC, the only two kinds of people are mindless snobs in designer clothes and Guido Yankee fans?

First fugly bridal dress of the day. Did they hire Stevie Wonder to do the costume design?

I suddenly realize how bitchy I sound critiquing the fashions. Fuck it. It’s the Sex and the City Movie. You don’t dip your toe in, you jump right into the deep end. I am determine to get at the bottom at what drives the mysterious creature known as “ye who packs a vagina” and there’s no turning back now.

Big has man boobs. Real men have man boobs. If they don’t, they’re gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but just keep that in mind, ladies.

Another advantage to being as rich as Uncle Scrooge; you can indulge just about every whim of your crazed ring-hungry fiancée, like having your wedding at the NYC public library.

Steve. My least favorite character in fiction. EVER. His balls have been in Miranda’s purse since season 1. I hate him. He makes men look bad. I guess some men like girls like her. I’ll never get it. Guys, please. Don’t be like him. Or else you’ll end up married to HER.

FINALLY. Some Sex in the City. Wait. It’s Miranda and Ms. Steve. Wow. What is the opposite of a boner?

“Um.” Sex is supposed to be passionate. And full of love. And NAKED, Miranda. Keep your shirt on is an expression, not a mandate for marital bliss.

Samantha, please save us the trouble and tattoo “RIDE BAREBACK AT YOUR OWN PERIL” on your forehead.

I am really loving this movie, in spite of myself.

Miranda, please see a dentist. You’re rich. By not doing so, you are smacking everyone on this planet without dental insurance in the face.

Fellas. Don’t EVER put up with your woman getting pissed at you for telling your buddies about her tits. Because they talk about your penis with their g-friends all the time. And this damn show/movie tells them that’s okay.

Smith. You can’t turn a demon-slut into a debutante.

Yes! Another sex scene…but it’s chock full of man ass. I just remembered I’m watching a chick flick.

The walk-in closet. Jesus. This is why I am getting my MBA.

I like the 80’s. I like Samantha.

I don’t think Ms. Parker ate anything for a week before shooting this sceFUCK MIRANDA DON’T STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP.

We FINALLY see a topless chick in this flick…and it’s a 4-year old girl. Thanks, writers.

Steve, buddy, you don’t look so good….

FINALLY, you grabbed your sack back! Thing is, I wanna see the chick you snogged. She is officially the unsung off-screen hero of this movie for me.

Miranda, do you wanna know why he strayed? When you deny a man sex for 6 FUCKING MONTHS, HE IS GOING TO STRAY. Even a raging pussy-douche mangina like Steve has his needs.

See, usually, the jilted wife makes the man sleep on the couch. Instead, Miranda hits the couch herself. Think about it.

“I can barely even look at him.” The feeling is mutual, doll-face.

Ever since Charlotte married Lex Luthor, she’s been so happy. Four times that week. Nice! Marriage rocks.

Ladies. We don’t speak chick. So follow Carrie’s example in the scene about the dress “uping the ante” and translate. Also, pay attention to us. Pay attention to our feelings. You’re not the only ones who have them. “I didn’t even know that was an issue?” Wake up, woman! Oh, and fellas? Women want romance. City Hall ain’t cutting it. In a functional relationship, there are two people, not one.

The night before. Congratulations, Big. One Vagina for the rest of your life.

“We never kiss and tell”? Um, isn’t she, like a writer about, well…

“Hey dickwad, I’m speaking!” I find myself drawn to Samantha once again. Yes she’s been fucked by a train but she’s cool as shit.

Big. Meet your exact opposite. Steve.

Notice that when Samantha tells Miranda, “Steve’s here,” there is a painting of a tiny fucking penis directly to her left? Make of that what you will.

“I changed who I was for you.” It’s dialogue like that that makes guys like me hate girls like Miranda. And Big sincerely tries to help her out, be there for her. And how does she react? BY BEING A MEDDLING WENCH. Awesome. She just planted a nice big ‘ol shrew-bomb in Big’s head. The odds are now 1:1 he’s half-way to Napa.

Little girl’s first word: sex. Way to go, ladies! It’ll be sunshine and kittens from now on and no way will she end up in student health at age 15 with the clap.

“We’ve both done everything we can to screw it up.” Nice line. Couldn’t agree more.

Do I hear a woman tell her man to stop thinking about things too much? Okay. We are now officially in fantasy land.

You know, I think that Carrie is going to look so beautiful in her WHAT THE FUCK???? Seriously. I…am speechless. But not in the good way.

Big is in his tux, but trying to call his fiancée. And the screenwriters have the 5 year old answer the phone to keep the plot moving. Gee, do you think he’s putting on his sneakers to go for a RUN?

To be continued…

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