Sex and the City: The Movie, Part 3

When we last left off, it was New Years Eve in Sex and the City. Steve once again found his balls back in Miranda’s Gucci bag, Charlotte has a baby in her belly that will probably bust out of her chest like Alien, and Carrie once again doesn’t have Big. I’m sure we’re not seeing a couple of dudes she used for sex before we pick up….just kiddin, doll.  I’m actually rooting for you.  All of you.  Goddamn me to hell, but I love Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte…and Miranda.  Don’t always like you.  But I love you.

Everyone should have a friend like Samantha. The male equivalent gets you into the Playboy Mansion.

Of course Miranda tries to one up Samantha. I hate you. Yes, what’s it going to take? You already have his balls, his penis, his heart, in your vag. What do you want, his soul?

Fashion week. More evidence that blind people are the seamstresses.

This movie’s stock just jumped up by showing what complete moonbats PETA are. I hate PETA.  Please be aware that they don’t care about ethical treatment of animals.  They want TOTAL ANIMAL LIBERATION.  Think about it.  Chloe HATES PETA more than I do.  Think about it.

“Played for the other team” You have no idea how right you are, Carrie.

Wait…is Carrie…actually…coming around…to another person’s point of view?  Satan just called. It’s cold down there in his neck of the woods.

Miranda, good for you for confessing .  Now, Carrie, time to pull an Untouchables and bash her over the head with a baseball bat. “I tried to tell you.” Do or do not, there is no try, doll-face.

But I’m actually going to take Miranda’s side, for the first time, like, ever. You can’t “make” someone do anything. Big is called Big for a reason. And if he’s going to let a dumbass like Miranda affect his life, he’s not Big anymore. He’s Medium.

Finally some DD’s. From a distance, and fake, but again, any port in the storm.

Samantha, honey, HE DIDN’T KNOW THAT YOU HAD A SURPRISE FOR HIM. God I will never get women sometimes. And now this screenplay just took a dip into Stupid-ville, population, Smith. NOTHING this man has done since the moment we met him would have him react like this. I know where this is going.

Forgiveness is everything. Sanjay agrees.

Okay what the fuck is this therapy hippy bullcrap? If we both show up, then the past is gone? Steve, in the past your balls were in her purse. Now they have been ground up into fishbait and tossed into the Hudson.

God bless DVD FREEZE FRAME ON THE PROS AND CONS LIST. Look at the Cons list. Dependent. Nose hair. Not driven. You forgot “annoying voice,” “pussy” “push-over” “wimp,” and “douche.”

Brooklyn Bridge. And now he’s crying. I…I…I got nothing.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW(sex scene with Miranda)WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

New Age philosophy isn’t the secret? You gals are a bit late to the logic party, but you’re welcome nonetheless!

More man ass. Awesome. And FUCK A PENIS. This is why I didn’t see this movie in the theaters.  Then again, there is a double standard in movies.  From a completely logical point of view….nevermind.

How many times can I say this you cannot turn Squank into a Sweetheart.

Samantha, honey, you need to work on your breakup technique. But Smith, you are a class act. You gave her that ring. I had an ex steal a hairdryer from me and still hasn’t returned it. Granted, I bought it, you know, for girls who come cover and, you know, sleep on the couch and stuff, but still. The hostage exchange is never a pretty one. It’s nice when the two people are adults. Anyway, Smith, SUIT UP. Time to party. She was about to hit 50 dude. And you still haven’t finished puberty yet.  Meet up at the Viceroy at midnight.

Saint Louise. Amen to that. I’d miss her too.  She is hands down my favorite character in this movie.  Which by the way, I am loving.

I just realized that Charlotte has no story arc in this movie. Her job is to be the greek chorus, get knocked up, and bump into Big in a restaurant. And have her water break. And have Big take her to the GEE I wonder where this movie is going?

Love. Duh.

Dude. You retyped Beethoven? Make up your own shit!

“That dress makes your boobies look big!” I love you, little girl.

“The Light looked different.” Never forget that perception is 90% of reality.

She runs into his arms because he’s holding shoes. Shoes are the way to a woman’s heart. Not diamonds.

Did they just fuck in the closet?

“All business and no romance. That’s not the way you propose to someone.” Damn. Right. And all the women in the theater cry. And all of their men get laid tonight.

“Would have been nice if you had the girls.” Atta boy. Fellas, never forget her friends. A relationship doesn’t change your life, it enhances it. Never forget it.

It is New York state law that you have to be a woman or a gay man to use the word, “fabulous.”

The End. Finally. I need another martini.


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