I wanted to share with you all some recipes of mine, my favorite ones, since I just put together a menu for any of you who are lucky enough to come into my home. Some of you already have experienced the “cuisine d’Jordan), so, by all means, please sound off and say how awesome it is, because as you know, cooking is one of my stronger suits.
I thought about just putting up a recipe, but then I thought, that would be boring. Why not have some fun with it? Ladies, take the following with a grain of salt (or Creole Seasoning, which I prefer) and fellas, well, this is for you. Enjoy!
So…boys…you wanna impress a lady tonight. Good. Don’t apologize for that; food is the lubricant on the way to bliss.
Women fall in love with their ears, indeed, but also through their stomachs. They love a man who can cook. And tonight, I’m going to show you how.
1) Go meet a girl. Make sure that she is sweet, nice, laughs at your jokes, tugs at her earlobe and touches your hand on occasion. Ask her out. Take her to drinks (NOT dinner), and dazzle her with your sense of humor, to be certain, but listen to her too. Follow the 80/20 rule that college admissions people follow, and let her talk. Kiss her goodnight, because you are a man. If you ask her permission to kiss her, you are a little boy and are no longer worthy to read this. In life, ask for forgiveness, not permission. That is what separates the men from the boys.
2) Dates #2,3, and 4 should contain dinner and a movie, maybe a trip to Disneyland, some first base action. Keep your cool, maybe see other girls so that you are not a complete chump. This is why they call it interviewing, this dating thing.
3) Okay, time to have her over to your place. You are going to cook for her. Check and make sure she’s not allergic to what you are cooking for, which will be Spaghetti Bolognese with a nice dry Chianti. I don’t know, allergies present themselves all over the place. Just double check and make sure that you will send her to paradise instead not to the ER.
4) She is coming over at 8pm. Keep this time in mind.
5) At 5:30 PM, you will go to the Grocery Store, and buy the following:
- ½ pound ground beef
- ½ Italian Sausage
- olive oil
- SPICES: Basil, Creole Seasoning (you heard me), Red Pepper, Regular Pepper, Oregano, Garlic Salt
- Parmesan Cheese
- Pack of Spaghetti
- Lowfat milk
- 3 28-ounce Cans of Crushed Tomatoes
- 2 Bottles of Chianti (you’re spending at least 25 bones on this for each bottle, don’t get this shit that only costs six bucks. It’s going to serve multiple purposes.
- Big Pot, with lid
- Wooden Spoon
- Digital timer
- Can opener
- Teaspoon/Tablespoon measure
- Big ass carving knife
- Medium-size pot for the pasta
6) You may notice that you will have ingredients (the milk, cans of tomatoes) in more quantities than you need for the dish. Not to worry, you will cook this again, it’s THAT good.
7) At the supermarket, when you are at the check out line, and the over-worked single Mom (sorry) asks you who you are cooking this for, you look at her and (hopefully) the hot chick standing behind you and say, “….a lady.” Have a little smile, and look into the horizon with hope and glory.
Once you are home, it will be about 6:30. Unpack your groceries and go take a shower. Women like it when you don’t smell.
9) Set two places on your dining room table. Two table-mats, fork and knife for each, and two plates.
10) By now, it’s about 7:15. You are a dude, and therefore you are procrastinating. I’ve padded the schedule a bit. When it counts, I’ll snap you to reality.
11) Lower some lights, light some candles (get them at the mall, NOT at Urban Outfitters like a douche), and put on Frank Sinatra’s “A Swinging Affair.” The first track is my theme song, “Night and Day.” You’ll get fired up. Trust me.
12) Set out two wine glasses, and open the bottle of Chianti to let it breathe, and set it somewhere nearby. Wine, good wine, needs to to breathe a bit first.
13) Take a large pot and put it on the stove. Pour in about 4 tablespoons of Olive oil and heat over medium high heat until it’s fragrant, about three minutes or so. Get fired up, this is just the beginning.
14) While this is happening, take a carrot and skin the heck out of it (you know, like Mom did when she made you salads as a kid. You know how your Dad got your Mom? Probably like this. Keep reading
15) Take one onion and with a big-ass knife, slice the tar out of it in little thin slices.
16) Throw the onion and carrot into the pot and sauté it for 10 minutes, until they are no longer hard, but nice and loose. Use a wooden spoon to mix it around.
17) While the onion and carrots are cooking, you will take the ground beef and the Italian sausage, and mix them together. Get your hands in this, feel it, love it, mix ‘em up, have some fun!
18) Look at the TIME! It’s 7:45. She’ll be a bit late (girls always are). Let her in, and trust me, the timing works here, because it’s already starting to smell good in here, oh yeah. And And AND AND AND she sees you cooking, which is the money move because you are awesome, and she’ll be impressed.
19) Wash off your hands (from the meat), kiss her hello, and pour her a glass of Chianti. Raise a toast to the SNG, show some respect.
20) By now, Frank is singing, and you have some Dean Martin ready to rock. Either your ipod is hooked up, or you have itunes hooked to your stereo, figure this part out on your own. She’ll ask, “Why the Rat Pack,” and you’ll reply, uh, because they are awesome? It’s old school, think Vegas circa 1962. The good old days, when men were fellas and women were dames.
21) As she sips her Chianti and watches you work your magic, you put the meat in with the onions/carrots, and put in the following with the meat for 5 minutes:
- Basil – 1 tablespoon
- Creole Seasoning – 1 Tablespoon
- Red Pepper – ½ tablespoon
- Regular Pepper – ½ tablespoon
- Oregano – 1 tablespoon
- Garlic Salt – 1 tablespoon
22) Dump all that in. As you use a big wooden spoon to mix it all around, you will ask her about her day, and she’ll do her best to speak to you because the scent of the cuisine is so seductive and intoxicating and she’s so impressed with you that DAMN. You rock. And you are smooth. YOU ARE THE MAN.
23) When the meat is no longer pink, add ¾ cup of the milk and mix it in, for about four minutes (the milk acts as a kind of glue that keeps the meat and spices all together). At the same time, take a little bit of the Chianti (1/4 cup) and dump it into the pot with the milk. Oh yeah.
24) After the four minutes are up, open 1 28-ounce can of crushed tomatoes and dump it in, and reduce the heat to low. Cover the pot with the lid and slow cook it for one hour, occasionally stirring with the wooden spoon.
25) In the medium-sized pot, fill it with water up 4/5ths and boil it on high (will take about 15 minutes to get going, give or take).
26) When that’s done, take out about half of the spaghetti (that’ll be enough for the two of you) snap it into thirds, and dump it in the boiling water. Cook for 11 minutes.
27) When the pasta is done, dump it and the water into a strainer and let it sit for a few minutes.
28) Spoon out the pasta equally to two plates that you have set out. Smile. Don’t forget to smile. A smile means that you are having fun, and you are always having fun. While everything is cooking, sit with her, sip wine, go back and forth between her and the kitchen.
29) When the hour is up, spoon out the sauce equally. Refill the two of you with a bit more of the red stuff (Chianti).
30) Sit down, put on “Ring a Ding Ding” by Sinatra, and enjoy your meal. Nod and smile when she compliments the chef (you).
31) The Chianti will compliment the food, so you’re going to have to open a second bottle.
32) As long as you follow the directions, both of you will clean your plates. And maybe go back for seconds. By now, you two have a good witty banter that is now reinforced by your (newfound) awesome cooking skills.
33) Everything now is up to you. You must give and take, follow her lead, let her follow your lead, and if you play your cards right…