Hello gentlemen! I know that you try very hard every single day to be the very best men you can possibly be, and I really want to help you achieve your goals.
After all, reading this article here must make your skin crawl. It certainly did with me. I mean, who the hell does she think she is?
After all, you know full well that you are entitled no matter what to get whatever you want from women. They are objects to be obtained like a brand new Porsche, an inside tip on a stock, or a fresh case of the clap. Since you deserve all three, let me help you out with 8 new tips to make your dreams come true!
1) Seek out proper role models
Mickey Rourke is beloved by all women. Sure, he smacked the crap out of that girl from, “Wild Orchid,” and beat up Jeff Kober for daring to talk to her at the gym, but certainly, women only like jerks, just like in high school. Reality shows like, “Vanderpump Rules,” and, “Sons of Guns,” are also a good step in the right direction. Reality television is totally real, right? Of course!
2) Consult PUA literature for dating advice
Never mind the naysayers who explain that peacocks are showing their feathers to show how strong they are in other areas…try gimmicks like wearing top hats to night clubs or a t-shirt with a Cabbage Patch doll on it. Neal Strauss has it all down, dude! And women are like safes that you can crack right open with just the right combination of one-liners and manipulation. All’s fair in love and war, right?
3) Watch Porno movies for sex advice
This is what women really want in the bedroom; fast thrusting and a money shot to the face. And of course, you must not forget that the girl with the super-aggressive eye-liner and neck tattoos are just what the doctor ordered for a lifetime of happiness and no regrets.
4) Go on Tinder and tell women that you only want to f–k. They like that
Yes, 100% honesty and 100% id. You can be yourself online and you don’t have to worry about accountability.
5) Women like assholes with money, so you should behave like one always.
Grab women’s rear ends; it’s a sign of sincere affection in lady-land. Money buys happiness and women are just another asset in your man-portfolio. Don’t worry about the blow-back. It’s all a numbers game.
6) When a woman rejects your advances, call her a whore. She deserves it.
How dare she? Does she know who she is talking to? A female server or bartender is a prostitute. Duh.
7) When a woman doesn’t text you back after you text her at 2AM in the morning with, “Let’s bang,” see #6
The world is your oyster and your playground, and everyone around you only exists to serve YOU. To hell with her job and her loser boyfriend that actually pulls out chairs, rubs her back, aka all that wimpy stuff.
8) When a woman you somehow get to date you stops dating you, see #6 once more
Women don’t deserve the same basic rights we have. They are lesser creatures and can only think emotionally. You never do that. Your giant ego is earned by your actions, you know, like flash trading, corporate take-overs, Yankees hats on backwards, and so forth.
Anyway, to sum up, you won’t crash that Porsche (yes you will), you won’t go to jail for pulling a Martha Stewart (yes you will, eventually) and you also don’t have to worry about that rash on your junk, I’m sure it’s just jock itch.
Now bring on the hate from all of you “gentlemen” who can’t take a joke!