All posts by Jordan

I am Jordan Rockwell. I am a Recovering Wuss. I am the Sensitive Nice Guy, out to entertain, educate, and above all, help others.

#365: Be Your Own Boss

http://bloximages.newyork1.vip.townnews.com/wtxl.com/content/tncms/assets/v3/editorial/3/f8/3f8e70c4-9308-11e2-a77e-001a4bcf6878/514c7df8a638f.image.jpg

Good evening, what’s going on? Tonight, I wax my board about

  • Why Almaza is the place to be on the (eastern) west side of Los Angeles
  • Review of this excellent Cracked.com article
  • Review of, “Steve Jobs,” and Aaron Sorkin
  • A soccer player who thanked his wife…and his girlfriend…on television
  • What to do every time you wake up
  • And more!

#364: Russian Gold Diggers and, “Privilege.”

https://hague6185.files.wordpress.com/2013/06/gold-digger.jpg

Good evening, what’s going on? Tonight, I wax my board about

  • Whole30 Fitness update; lost some more weight!
  • There is an actual Russian Golddiggers Academy
  • Two super-embarrassing dating stories from my past (don’t be like old me!)
  • Film reviews of, “Logan,” and, “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find them.”
  • The problem with screaming, “privilege,” at people, as well as the ridiculous backlash of, “Iron Fist,” (which I haven’t seen).
  • And more!

Equalism For All

http://cdn2.thr.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/scale_crop_768_433/2016/02/the_walking_dead_s06e10_still.jpg

Good evening, what’s going on? tonight, I wax my board about

  • Fitness Update: Time to Pump up the Volume
  • Wisdom from a Retired Navy Seal Operator
  • Film reviews of the Black Mirror Episode, “The Entire History of You,” and, “10 Cloverfield Lane.”
  • A shameful act from my past
  • Thoughts on, “International Women’s Day.”
  • And more!

Don’t Engage (With Crazy)

Good evening, what’s going on? Tonight, I wax my board about:

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_MiO9nv1txg/T_XlrQMgw9I/AAAAAAAACQY/-P9lGV85ulY/s1600/troll.jpg

  • Why arguing with crazy people will drive you insane
  • Whole30 Fitness update; The Next Step!
  • What cracked.com gets right, and wrong, about this article
  • Film reviews of, “It’s a Wonderful Life,” and, “Lion.”
  • What to do about Spain’s falling birthrates
  • Morons texting in movies
  • And more!

Do, “Tomorrow You,” a Favor Today

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/49/86/64/4986647acf903a8545547e4f0b145797.jpg

Good evening, what’s going on? Tonight, I wax my board about

  • Whole30 Fitness update; Phase 2!
  • How thinking of the future can help your present (in some small ways)
  • The difference between a whistle blower and a rat
  • Some dating pointers for the ladies this time!
  • And more. Enjoy!

Your Enemies are your Best Friends

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/d0/91/b2/d091b2d358fdcb2fc31810e80518a487.jpg

Your Enemies are your Best Friends

Good evening, what’s going on? Tonight, I wax my board about

  • Fitness/Krav Update: Going well!
  • Two dating mistakes of mine (oh, have mercy)
  • Why someone who hates you is your best teacher
  • The true beginning of the show was not in 2009
  • Film Reviews of, “John Wick Chapter 2,” “The Girl on the Train,” and more
  • And SO much more!

Envy Is the Road to Hell

https://www.askideas.com/media/86/Envy-blowing-out-the-other-persons-candle-will-not-make-yours-shine-brighter.jpg

Good evening, what’s going on? Tonight, I wax my board about

  • Whole30 Fitness update; Final Week!
  • Those who Envy are destined to fail
  • Some thoughts on the hilarious fake craig’s list ad below
  • A dating app based on hate (great idea…yeah.)
  • And more. Enjoy!

http://i.imgur.com/WMOhr.jpg

Become Your Authentic Self or, “Die.”

http://www.oscarchamps.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/1981-Chariots-of-Fire-09.jpg

Good evening, what’s going on? ‘Bout time I use that here.  Again.

Anywho, tonight, I wax poetic about:

  • Fitness updates; 21 days out of 30 completed
  • Why girls sometimes give bad dating advice to guys
  • Dr. Antonio finally got something wrong on twitter (it never happens. He’s awesome).
  • Film reviews
  • A nightmare I had recently
  • Enjoy!

Find A Mission

http://pop.h-cdn.co/assets/15/28/980x490/landscape-1436537168-shark-cage-web.jpg

Nairy position God I’m a hack.

Anyway, tonight, I wax poetic about:

  • How thoughts in your head are a bigger threat to you than any human being outside
  • fitness whole30 update
  • answer to the questions below (from @bestproadvice on twitter)
  • Why a few of you need to get a grip
  • and more!

@bestproadvice

Having the Last Laugh

http://www.saidaonline.com/en/newsgfx/be-positive-saidaonline.jpg

Hello! In my final show before, “you know what,” I crack wise about:

  • Fitness update
  • Laughing being one of the better tools in the toolbox of life
  • Having empathy for Ariana Grande
  • Toxic people avoidance
  • And more!

Enjoy!

The Hunt

https://s3.amazonaws.com/lowres.cartoonstock.com/marriage-relationships-deer-buck-hunting_licence-hunting_license-hunter-pfon386_low.jpg

Good evening ladies and germs! Tonight, I blow hard about:

  • How hunting for food and hunting for….(fill in blank)…are different
  • Day 2 of my, “Whole30,” experience (it sucks).
  • Disneyland’s new security and why we put up with this
  • For the love of Zalman King Soft-core Porn

Enjoy!

What Good Would It Do?

https://cdn2.omidoo.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/full_width/images/bydate/dec_20_2011_-_354pm/shutterstock_91027577.jpg

Happy New Year! 2016 behind us, 2017 on the way, I dive head first into the shallow end of the pointlessness of anxiety, the joys of VR, my goals for this year, and more! Enjoy, and welcome back!

Advice For Ladies: SAY WHAT’S ON YOUR MIND

IMG_2827
Courtesy of, “http://thechive.com/2015/05/20/welcome-to-the-mythical-world-of-lady-logic-30-photos/#gallery-item-23?NV:.lngnxd:NxOZ”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The following exchange happened, oh, I dunno, 45 bah-jillions times before I met my wife:

Me: Honey, what’s wrong?

Her: (shuffles) Nothing.

Me: Are you sure?

Her: Yes, I’m sure. (looks away). Nothing is wrong.

Me: Really?

Her: Yes really.

That goes on for an hour. Sometimes longer.  I spin in circles while she does something passive-aggressive. Calls an ex-boyfriend. Eats ice cream, then throws it up. Poops with the door open, whatever.

Then, an argument occurs that, on the surface, appears to be about who didn’t do the dishes, but is actually about her jealousy of me having female friends.

I would estimate that 99.9999999999% of my relationships festered into a cluster-f–k demise in no small part due to this kind of behavior. No, I was not perfect (far from it) but I’m just giving you my point of view, ladies, from the other side.

However, I was about 6 months into dating the woman I am now married to when the following occurred:

Julie (marches into living room): Jordan, can I talk to you for a second? I know you’re watching the game…oh, I’ll wait for Chris Tillman to blow it again.

Jordan: Thanks (Tillman gives up 6 runs at the bottom of the 2nd, and the inning mercifully ends). What’s up, babe?”

Julie: Well, the thing is, we are having a party tonight and I did all the shopping, and did all the dishes…I just feel like I didn’t get enough praise for that.

Jordan: Oh. You’re absolutely right, babe. I’m sorry. I really appreciate you doing all the hard work. I apologize.

This went on for a year and a half. We would have a problem of some kind that I wasn’t aware of, and Julie would calmly explain it to me. Then, one day, it dawned on me…no woman I have ever met has done this before.

No passive-aggressive nonsense. No playing of games. Straight talk. To the point.

She will actually march into a room and tell me in clear and concise language what is on her mind. No yelling. NO YELLING.

Whether she is correct in seeking praise is irrelevant (she is). What matters is that she is a black belt at communication. And, “miscommunication,” is uttered as a reason for divorce just as much as, “irreconcilable differences.”

Ladies, do you have any idea of how awesome this is??? I almost married her on the spot. Of course, she already had an engagement ring on that I had given her, so I was covered.

If you have a problem, but you can’t find the words, take a breather. Go for a walk.  Better yet, if he asks you what’s wrong, say, “I can’t quite find the words yet, I need to think about it, and I will get back to you, okay?”

It is so nice to be married to a woman who is nice as well as sane.

Idiocracy Alert: People who Text in Movies

theater

 

 

 

 

The wonderful picture above (just a teaser) can be found here. Well done, Oatmeal!

AMC Century City Multiplex, October 9, 2014, 11:30AM

My wife just went out of town for the weekend. Part of me was looking forward to being able to stay up late and watch horror movies. The other part of me freaked out a bit. After all, who is going to have breakfast with me and ask for back rubs? I love my alone time but I also love the SNGal. Oh well. I think that missing her but loving my boy-time is a good mix for a long-term marriage. No worries; besides, she’ll be back in time for game 4 of the ALCS (Go Orioles!)

Anyway, after dropping her off at the airport, I headed over to a local multiplex to take in a screening of, “Gone Girl.”

IMG_0221

 

 

 

 

 

This is me before the screening, both a little sad because I miss my Mrs, but also…because I was going to the movies.

Where, for the past 5 years (I’m not embellishing) at every single screening I’ve ever attended, some asshat starts texting in the middle of the movie. Granted, I was getting paid to see this film, but still, it was a film I wanted to see, and ended up loving it.

But a funny thing happened during the screening that literally has not happened to me since W was President. The lights dimmed and 7,234,248 trailers followed (because we all LOVE trailers and having all the major plot points spoiled, right idiots?), I got anxious. I looked around as a few people facebooked and instagramed. I thought it would be a matter of time.

However, as Ben Affleck described removing his wife’s skull…and as he gets home to discover that she’s gone…and the truth comes out…and hour goes by…and then the whole movie…

No one texted. No one talked. Everyone was super polite! We all laughed together, gasped together, we all became one as we allowed the film to hypnotize us. As well we should have.

I was tempted to shout, “Everyone, coffee on me!” but thought better of it.

Seriously, though, this was the first time in five f–king years that everyone behaved like adults in a Los Angeles movie theater.

I have written on this subject before here, and yap about it nonstop on my show. Have things changed?

Doubtful. A friend suggested that the morning shows usually are full of polite folks such as myself who are courteous and don’t believe the world runs on their feelings. Another said that folks in Portland, Oregon never text during movies. My sister-in-law said the same of chaps and birds in London. Is this an LA thing, then?

Highlights over the years:

  • Man on Fire, 2004, The Grove: dude’s phone goes off just as Denzel is putting two bullets in a bad guys. He starts yapping. We complain. His response, “It’s my wife, guys.” Thank you, Beta Male pussy, for an accurate snapshot into your marriage.
  • Saw 3D, 2010, Santa Monica 5: Hard-R-rated horror flick. Not only are there three under-17-year olds who won’t stop texting, there is also a family of five in the front row with a median age of 5. CHILD ABUSE.
  • Lincoln, 2011, The Landmark, Westwood: Just as the film begins, older dude starts texting. And looking at porn (not kidding). We ask him to stop. His response, “I’m a doctor, and I’m concerned about my patient, so I guess I’ll leave.” To his credit, the lying sack of shit actually got up and left. Maybe he wasn’t lying; maybe he really was concerned about his patients WHILE looking at naked girls. Whatever.
  • Guardians of the Galaxy, 2014, Downtown Disney AMC: Flat-topped idiot starts texting. Won’t stop. We ask management to intervene. They do. He stops. 20 minutes, he starts again. I leave and get the manager. They come back and ask him to stop. This happens two more times. I don’t know if I enjoyed the movie. This asshole prevented me from knowing either way. HAPPY, PRICK?

All of us polite folks can’t stand it when someone starts texting, but let’s face it; the biggest reason most of us are afraid of saying something is that we don’t want to get a bullet in the head. Los Angeles is known for it’s retarded gang culture, and it is true that someone who doesn’t care about other people just might be a sociopath being willing to put a bullet in your head.

So, the solution is to get management involved (as quality control is their responsibility) but even if you are successful, you still lose overall, because you are knocked out of the film’s hypnotic hold. You miss a scene, a detail here in there, you’re thinking about your recent confrontation that you didn’t want, and the movie experience is ruined. All because some inconsiderate jerk had to find out if his selfie got any likes on instagram.

We continue to have an epidemic of morons who don’t give a shit about other people. All id, no guilt. They shave their balls at the gym (true story), they text during movies, they talk on their cell phones while driving even though it’s against the law, and their instagram profiles are chock-full of selfies.

What to do? I say shame, because shame works. At the moment, we ask nicely to not text or talk during the movies. Fucktards do it anyway. Time to switch tactics. Short of throwing them out (like Alamo Drafthouse does, which would be nice), and calling them out for what they are (which is impractical) I say that an animated talking duck walks out before the movie starts and says the following:

“If you text during the movie, you are a selfish idiot who can’t stop facebooking or checking the score. You literally cannot sit still for 90 minutes and enjoy something. You do not care about other people’s experience, only your own. You are distracting people but you don’t care. You suck. To everyone else, please enjoy the movie.”

Call them out. Seriously, we have to stop coddling people, folks.

For the first time, I have hope. With the IPIC opening up in Westwood, the Alamo Drafthouse coming to Los Angeles, and my recent experience, I see now that I am not alone. Time will tell.

 

Idiocracy Alert: Hot for Teacher

This is the first in yet another series, which will attempt to draw attention to the downward slope that our western society is currently on, yo. 

Let’s begin with this:

Followed by this:

“Idiocracy,” directed by Mike Judge (Office Space, King of the Kill), may be a one-joke movie, but what a joke.A future dystopia based upon dysgenics (people devolving from smart to stupid) was explored in, “The Time Machine,” to some extent in Woody Allen’s, “Sleeper,” plus a few others.

However, in Judge’s work, he points as the culprit not just low IQs, but consumerism gone wild as well as out-out-control ids with no ego or super-ego to keep them in check. It’s the latter that I wish to discuss today.

Once again, we have another case of a super-hot blonde teacher having sex with an underage boy. In this case, actually, it’s two super-hot blonde teachers. Once again, most of us are reacting in the exact wrong way. I thought the South Park guys had this all locked up but alas, nope. Have a look, in case you missed it. The satire is spot-on, as per usual:

Anyway, first things first, this article today began with a screw up on my part. A (facebook) friend of a (facebook) friend of a (facebook) friend named Brian posted the above article, and he with his buddies reacted, well, just like the cops in the South Park Episode. Without thinking, I wrote the following:

“Enough. It’s rape, end of story. No more high fives and lucky kids.”

It was only after I hit the, “Return,” key that I noticed the shiny saddle I was sitting on attached to my very high horse. Rarely does that annoying stallion ever come out of the corral. When he does, I am not paying enough attention to my own pretentiousness. I miss my own smug alert.

This horse of mine (we all have one), he doesn’t have a proper brain, he thinks he’s always right, but he’s always wrong, though not about the message, but the way he sends the message. Like a troll. I trolled Brian and it was wrong. The dude doesn’t know me and I don’t know him. I should have left it alone, and, you know, went on living my life.

So, what I got next, I had coming, no doubt. However, well, see for yourself:

IMG_0216

 

 

 

 

Without question, Rich is misguided. That said, completely by accident, he makes an excellent point; if I were a 16-year old kid, I would have jumped at the chance, no question. No doubt. I would be lying if I said other wise.

I might be gay too, but never mind that. If you disagree with me, “YOU’RE A FAG!” DERP!

Again, of course I would have jumped at the chance, because I would not have known that it was wrong. This is why we have consent laws, folks; you do not possess the emotional maturity to consent.

And let me cut you off when you ask, “Is there a difference between an 18-year old and a 17 years, 364 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes teenager?” Please, don’t split hairs. We have to draw the line somewhere. Libertarians (small-l) like me believe that any behavior between consenting adults should be left alone by the state, the key word being, “consenting.” Get it?

Then Brian jumped in:

IMG_0217

 

 

 

 

“I was molested…” HOLD IT. Stop, and think. I hope he’s kidding, but we have to take him at his word. And I have no more words for the man. I feel sorry for him and he can call me a, “Beiber listening fuckard,” til the cows come home, but…man I just feel sorry for him. Does this make me a, “concern-troll?” I really couldn’t care less.

Men overwhelmingly do most the raping in the world, but women can do it too. Not enough to make a permanent philosophical point, but, well, have a look.

Let’s pump the breaks, shift gears and talk about, “Twilight,” as well as, “50 Shades of Grey.” I have spent more time than I should ripping into those books on my show, as well as criticizing women for loving them so much. I’m going to skip the part about the obvious hacky writing, and I’m gonna leave it alone that the former is Mormon propaganda. Here is the real problem:

Twilight fits all 15 criteria for an abusive relationship. 50 Shades of Grey encourages women to be in abusive relationships as well.

The latter has been called,  “Mommy Porn,” and it’s funny I bring that up, because men have been criticized for liking pornography that is basically nothing short of abusive. The ladies are right on this one, fellas. Money shots to the face and constant thrusting are not what any woman with her head on straight wants.

Many men think that women have a rape fantasy. Nope. What they actually have is a fantasy of being consensually overpowered by what Dr. Geoffrey Miller and Tucker Max call a, “Tender Defender.” Is that what happened below?

I don’t know. You tell me.

Now, back to the hot teachers. I used to think women had a fantasy/reality problem. We all know that it’s the men that have a continuing problem with being the (majority) perpetrators of rape, misogyny, homophobia, and violence. Still, I thought that women were the (mostly) soul occupants of fantasy crazy town.

Nope. It’s us too. The overwhelming response of, “lucky boy!” and, “where the hell were all the hot horny teachers when I was in high school?” paints a sad, sad picture: These men, wishing they could trade places with these underage boys, cannot differentiate between fantasy and reality. Just like women who lust after a gay vampire and a 27-year-old billionaire who makes them sign a love/sex contract.

And gentlemen, there are long-term consequences. After getting raped (yup, raped) by that smoking hot teacher, after you’re done high-fiving all of your buddies…that’s where the fun stops. Addiction, depression and suicide are two very real possibilities.

This is a problem, and it has to stop. For the first time in my life, the view from the high horse isn’t so bad, and I encourage you to appeal to your better natures and do the same.

 

What Works For Me: The Zone

photo

Sunday, September 28, 2014

So there I was the other day, in the middle of the toughest run of my life. It was only tough because it was the longest; 10 miles. I was aiming to beat my previous record of 8 miles, during which I broke my previous record before that of 6 miles and change during my very first 10k race.

The first 4 miles were a pain in the ass. My knees ached and my belly (nicked-named, “Wilbur” by my wife) seemed to scream to me, “Jordan, you suck, go home and order pizza.” But I kept going. And then a funny thing happened around mile #7.

I didn’t care.

Miles, 8, 9 came and went, and finally mile 10 arrived (1 hour and 45 minutes later, not bad!). I slowed down to a walk and strolled home. I spent the rest of the day watching my beloved Philadelphia Eagles get a good lesson in humility, enjoyed a cheat day of pizza and wine, and woke up the next day….wait for it…not really all that sore at all.

I was a bit confused until my wife’s lovely friend Jackie said, “Uh, Jordan, you’ve been training for this 1/2 marathon since June. You’ve trained up to this, hello???”

I was reminded of how running 4 miles would have intimidated me back in the day. Now it is practically a warm-up. A listener invited me to this last week and I almost turned it down, as it was only a 5k.

So, about that Zone. Athletes talk about it in the context of feeling, and not thinking. A pitcher throwing a no-hitter is said to be in the zone. A writer is in the zone when great word combinations just pour out of his head, pass through their fingers and into the word processor. A seductive lothario stud-muffin gets into the zone when he flirts with women effortlessly with no fear, because he’s not thinking, he’s just being.

You ever see Star Wars? Using the force? Same thing.

All good examples, but you might ask, how do you get to the zone? My answer that has worked for me is very simple; TRY.

Try, and train. Try, train…and begin.

That’s it, there is no life hack for this one. You must begin. Seems simple, but so many of us (present company included) make excuses. No excuses, play like a champion.

Running-wise, I get to the zone every run simply by understanding that the first 4 miles are going to be the hardest. The zone usually shows up when I stop thinking about how hard the run is, and focus on the music and meditation and, my phone’s running program gently tells me, “You have run…8 miles….at a 10-minute mile…pace, split pace, 10 minutes and 2 seconds, keep going, Jor-dan.  And watch out for that bus.”

Diet-wise; I don’t remember what is feels like to crave sugar in the morning. I just stopped eating it, and the first week, like the first four miles above, sucked. Now it’s the new normal. Eat healthy for one meal only. Now do another. And the next. Do it for a week. Do it for a month. The 30-day challenge thing is quite trendy at the moment for a reason…it works. Bad habits are easy to make, while good ones require effort. That’s a good thing. What isn’t earned, isn’t appreciated.

Most of us are in denial the change is a glacial process. Please build a bridge and get the hell over it. There are no get-rich-quick schemes, there is no magic pill, and anyone who says otherwise is trying to sell you snake oil.

To sum it all up, I have made successful changes in my personal and professional life by getting into that zone. I get into that zone by showing up and taking things a day at a time. I keep my gains small, but stick to my plans so that they add up exponentially, every day, little by little. Someone wiser than me said that 90% of life is showing up and following through. They’re right.

Again, don’t feel like working out? Too bad. But just do this; put on your workout clothes. 1/2 the time, you’ll keep going. Better than none of the time.

Don’t feel like running? Run the first 4 and see how you feel. Just starting out? Run 1 mile. Wait two days, and do it again. Then next week, add a 1/2 mile. Muscle through and before you know it, well, you know.

Don’t feel like eating healthy and you’re craving sugar (or its evil step-child, high fructose corn syrup)? Drink a glass of cold water, and stuff your face with lean meats and vegetables. Keep a food diary, write down every bad food you want during the week and save it for your cheat day.

Writers, don’t feel like writing? Got writer’s block? BULLS–T you’re being lazy. Start writing. I don’t care what it is, it could be nonsense. Just. Start. Writing. Give yourself a daily quota (Stephen King writes 2,000 words a day, every day).

Looks like Nike was on to something. Just do it, and the zone will come.

Note: this is a first in a new series of blog posts. I hate calling this an advice series, because most gurus and life coaches are sociopaths, and I don’t want to be anything like them, hence, I’m just going to tell you what works for me; hence the title. 

How to Be a REAL Man

Hello gentlemen! I know that you try very hard every single day to be the very best men you can possibly be, and I really want to help you achieve your goals.

After all, reading this article here must make your skin crawl. It certainly did with me. I mean, who the hell does she think she is?

After all, you know full well that you are entitled no matter what to get whatever you want from women. They are objects to be obtained like a brand new Porsche, an inside tip on a stock, or a fresh case of the clap. Since you deserve all three, let me help you out with 8 new tips to make your dreams come true!

1) Seek out proper role models

Mickey Rourke is beloved by all women. Sure, he smacked the crap out of that girl from, “Wild Orchid,” and beat up Jeff Kober for daring to talk to her at the gym, but certainly, women only like jerks, just like in high school. Reality shows like, “Vanderpump Rules,” and, “Sons of Guns,” are also a good step in the right direction. Reality television is totally real, right? Of course!

2) Consult PUA literature for dating advice

Never mind the naysayers who explain that peacocks are showing their feathers to show how strong they are in other areas…try gimmicks like wearing top hats to night clubs or a t-shirt with a Cabbage Patch doll on it. Neal Strauss has it all down, dude! And women are like safes that you can crack right open with just the right combination of one-liners and manipulation. All’s fair in love and war, right?

3) Watch Porno movies for sex advice

This is what women really want in the bedroom; fast thrusting and a money shot to the face. And of course, you must not forget that the girl with the super-aggressive eye-liner and neck tattoos are just what the doctor ordered for a lifetime of happiness and no regrets.

4) Go on Tinder and tell women that you only want to f–k. They like that

Yes, 100% honesty and 100% id. You can be yourself online and you don’t have to worry about accountability.

5) Women like assholes with money, so you should behave like one always.

Grab women’s rear ends; it’s a sign of sincere affection in lady-land. Money buys happiness and women are just another asset in your man-portfolio. Don’t worry about the blow-back. It’s all a numbers game.

6) When a woman rejects your advances, call her a whore. She deserves it.

How dare she? Does she know who she is talking to? A female server or bartender is a prostitute. Duh.

7) When a woman doesn’t text you back after you text her at 2AM in the morning with, “Let’s bang,” see #6

The world is your oyster and your playground, and everyone around you only exists to serve YOU. To hell with her job and her loser boyfriend that actually pulls out chairs, rubs her back, aka all that wimpy stuff.

8) When a woman you somehow get to date you stops dating you, see #6 once more

Women don’t deserve the same basic rights we have. They are lesser creatures and can only think emotionally. You never do that. Your giant ego is earned by your actions, you know, like flash trading, corporate take-overs, Yankees hats on backwards, and so forth.

Anyway, to sum up, you won’t crash that Porsche (yes you will), you won’t go to jail for pulling a Martha Stewart (yes you will, eventually) and you also don’t have to worry about that rash on your junk, I’m sure it’s just jock itch.

Now bring on the hate from all of you “gentlemen” who can’t take a joke!

 

Healthy Mashed Potatoes Recipe

I can’t stand hippies. Whenever one of those patchouli-smelling stoned morons tells me that their soy steak/icecream/whatever is better than the real thing, I usually tend to smile politely and then eat a steak just to spite them.

That being said, my wife and I have figured out how not only to fake the real thing, but to make it taste even better. Obviously there are a lot of recipes around the net, but this is our take. A video will be uploaded shortly.

INGREDIENTS

1 cauliflower head

2-3tbs of olive oil

1 cup chicken stock

2 cans Northern White Beans

1 onion, chopped

3 garlic cloves, chopped

5 tbs sour cream

Spices to your liking: creole seasoning, salt, pepper, cayenne, ect

TOOLS

Medium sauce pan

Food processor (this is the game changer)

Deep Skillet

Steamer

DIRECTIONS

1)   Wash cauliflower and chop off the green stuff and the stems

2)   Boil about 2 cups of water in the sauce pan and steam the cauliflower about 12 minutes, until you can stick a fork through it with no effort

3)   Heat the olive oil in the skillet and toss in the onion. When it is browned to your liking, throw in the garlic and cook together until it smells like Italy

4)   Throw in the beans, then the chicken stock, and simmer. You want the chicken stock to be just covering all the beans. Get them beans nice and cooked. Mix in your spices to your liking. You’ll be doing a lot of taste testing as you move forward.

5)   Throw it all in the food processor with the cauliflower, and MIX!!!! Put in the sour cream at this point.

6)   Then, put it all back into the pot and simmer until it gets the consistency you want. The more you let it simmer, the thicker it’ll be. I like to simmer it on low, then turn the heat off and wait a few minutes.

7)   Enjoy!

A Day in the Life of a Hollywood “man”.

I recently found this online somewhere, from a blog from someone I’ll call, “Robert.” I thought it was interesting enough to share with you all.

This Saturday morning, I’m going to go to the gym. I, of course, will not do so without first telling everyone about it on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Because everyone needs to know that I’m going to the gym.

Once I arrive at the gym, I will be sure to “check in” at the gym via one of the previously mentioned social networks, so that everyone knows where I am. On the way to the locker room to change, I’ll be sure to take a phone call from a “friend” and ignore the signs asking me to not talk on my phone while in the locker room. How dare they tell me what to do?

Then, I will jump on the treadmill and yap on my cell phone even though there are signs asking me not to, and when I’m done talking, I’ll text and surf facebook to see if anyone “liked” my status, and be crestfallen if no one does. I’ll be sure to only walk or do a light jog and not hit the weights because I have no doubt that steady state cardio is the way to weight loss, and I can eat anything I want and just work it off in the gym.

 

Also, I’ll be sure to wear sunglasses, and if I do use a machine, hog it even though people ask me to alternate, and I’ll also be sure not to wipe off my sweat. I’m going to do this because I can, and no one has any right to tell me what to do or how to behave.

Then I’m going to go to the locker room, walk around buck naked with my balls hanging out while I head to the shower without flip flops. I’ll be sure to hock loogies while I’m in there, and yap some more on my cell phone once I get back to my locker. I’ll also remember to have a carb-filled “recovery” drink waiting for me and admire myself in the mirror as long as possible in front of the other guys. I might even consider shaving my balls at the sinks if I feel like it.

Then, I’m going to get into my car to get out of the parking garage, and spend 5 minutes with a line of cars behind me because I can’t figure out the ticket thing, even though I’ve been coming to this gym for over a year.

Then, I’ll get on the highway and not check my blind spot because I’m trying to update my facebook status while going 90 in a 65. But don’t worry, I won’t hit anyone. It’s very important that everyone knows what I think about the latest political opinion of mine that I got from a pundit on MSNBC. My opinions matter because they are as real as furniture.

Then I’ll go to the movies. I’ll sit in the middle of the theater and start texting. The previews will start and I’ll keep texting. Oops, I almost forgot to check in on Facebook. I’m cool for seeing, “Man of Steel.” The movie will start and I’ll keep texting. I won’t even turn the brightness down because how else will I be able to see my screen?

I’ll be sure to keep a running tally on how much this movie sucks on Twitter. Because my opinions are as real as furniture and as important, more important, than yours.

After the movie, I’ll go get a healthy lunch of a footlong subway sandwich and a diet coke.

Then I’ll get on facebook again and see if anyone has liked my status from before at the gym. I’ll also look at my ex-girlfriend’s page to see if she’s single yet. She has no right to be happy after dumping me. How dare she be happy?

I’ll go on facebook, again. I get invited to a friend’s house-warming party tonight, last minute, but they are in the process of getting married and are very busy, but is that my problem? Besides, there might be a better party to go to because in Los Angeles, it’s all about networking. I put my response as, “maybe.” They’ve known me since college, they’ll get over it.

Then, a girl I’ve never met who is really hot and has 3,234 friends on facebook invites me to a club opening tonight in Hollywood. Sure I’ll go to that! That’s awesome. Even though I have to buy a ticket for $100, so what? That sounds awesome.

I go home to my $2500 a month condo that my parents are paying for, take a shower and spray a liberal amount of AXE body spray all over my pube-less chest. I spend 10 minutes putting gel into my hair to get that, “No effort at all” look that I’ve perfected. I then take a selfie and put it on Instagram. I then delete it because I don’t want people to think I’m gay.

I drive to Hollywood and pay $20 for parking. I get in line and notice that it’s mostly full of guys wearing the same thing I am; a button-down Ed Hardy shirt, untucked, with jeans and loafers. Many of them are texting. I “check” myself in to the hottest club in Hollywood because I want people to know that I’m here because I’m awesome.

An hour, I finally get in. I only have $100 cash on me and they are only accepting cash for the ticket. I now have to use my AMEX that my rich father pays for. I get into the club and most people are standing. I see the girl who invited me. I try to talk to her but she’s texting and puts her hand up. I check myself in to the club “with” her but she doesn’t approve it on her wall. What a bitch.

I see a guy I work with at William Morris but I ignore him because he’s such a douche; he’s so nice, he’s, like, interested in other people’s opinions and actually gives sincere compliments. What a complete pussy. He’ll get no-where in this town, like he’s ever going to be assigned to a desk. I see Gavin, Paul, Gavin, Dakota and Becky from the office at a table. They invite me over and they give me a shot. For once, I’m getting somewhere.

An hour later I’m wasted and stuff. Is it an hour? No, it’s 2am. I blink my eyes and go get my credit card from the bar. I went to the bar? Awesome! I blink my eyes again when I see the, “$646.45” charge. Whatever; how else am I going to get girls to sleep with me unless I buy them drinks? That’s totally how it works. I write, “CASH” on the tip line, take my card and stumble away.

Whatever, I can totally drive, fuck you. I get behind the wheel of my Porsche Cayenne and ignore the asshole who suggests I get a cab. It’s not like I’m going to get a DUI. Piss off. I drive back to my condo and nothing bad happens. I think I may have dinged a parked car or something but whatever, he’s probably a Republican.

Once home, I don’t want to be hungover tomorrow, so I order pizza and eat the entire thing. I get on facebook and see if anyone likes my statuses. Nope. Whatever. I go to sleep.

I recently found out that the author of this post, Robert, was found dead and mutilated on the side of the 405s freeway near the 101N exit. A Tarbarian Devil Dragon was seen flying away, its jaws bloody with the entrails of a douche. When asked for the comment, the Dragon said, “There is no hope for the human race, but I do my best.”