Hello! In my final show before, “you know what,” I crack wise about:
- Fitness update
- Laughing being one of the better tools in the toolbox of life
- Having empathy for Ariana Grande
- Toxic people avoidance
- And more!
Hello! In my final show before, “you know what,” I crack wise about:
Happy New Year! 2016 behind us, 2017 on the way, I dive head first into the shallow end of the pointlessness of anxiety, the joys of VR, my goals for this year, and more! Enjoy, and welcome back!
The following exchange happened, oh, I dunno, 45 bah-jillions times before I met my wife:
Me: Honey, what’s wrong?
Her: (shuffles) Nothing.
Me: Are you sure?
Her: Yes, I’m sure. (looks away). Nothing is wrong.
Her: Yes really.
That goes on for an hour. Sometimes longer. I spin in circles while she does something passive-aggressive. Calls an ex-boyfriend. Eats ice cream, then throws it up. Poops with the door open, whatever.
Then, an argument occurs that, on the surface, appears to be about who didn’t do the dishes, but is actually about her jealousy of me having female friends.
I would estimate that 99.9999999999% of my relationships festered into a cluster-f–k demise in no small part due to this kind of behavior. No, I was not perfect (far from it) but I’m just giving you my point of view, ladies, from the other side.
However, I was about 6 months into dating the woman I am now married to when the following occurred:
Julie (marches into living room): Jordan, can I talk to you for a second? I know you’re watching the game…oh, I’ll wait for Chris Tillman to blow it again.
Jordan: Thanks (Tillman gives up 6 runs at the bottom of the 2nd, and the inning mercifully ends). What’s up, babe?”
Julie: Well, the thing is, we are having a party tonight and I did all the shopping, and did all the dishes…I just feel like I didn’t get enough praise for that.
Jordan: Oh. You’re absolutely right, babe. I’m sorry. I really appreciate you doing all the hard work. I apologize.
This went on for a year and a half. We would have a problem of some kind that I wasn’t aware of, and Julie would calmly explain it to me. Then, one day, it dawned on me…no woman I have ever met has done this before.
No passive-aggressive nonsense. No playing of games. Straight talk. To the point.
She will actually march into a room and tell me in clear and concise language what is on her mind. No yelling. NO YELLING.
Whether she is correct in seeking praise is irrelevant (she is). What matters is that she is a black belt at communication. And, “miscommunication,” is uttered as a reason for divorce just as much as, “irreconcilable differences.”
Ladies, do you have any idea of how awesome this is??? I almost married her on the spot. Of course, she already had an engagement ring on that I had given her, so I was covered.
If you have a problem, but you can’t find the words, take a breather. Go for a walk. Better yet, if he asks you what’s wrong, say, “I can’t quite find the words yet, I need to think about it, and I will get back to you, okay?”
It is so nice to be married to a woman who is nice as well as sane.
During the last month or so, I have found myself counseling multiple people on their recent break-ups. I’ve gotten some rave reviews from just about everyone; only one person has ignored every single piece of advice I gave them and rebounded with a complete succubus. Oh well, I can’t save them all, as hard as I may try.
Breaking up is a horrible experience. Unfortunately for just about all of us, we all gotta go through it at least once. Most of us, more than once. And for some of us, so many times, we can’t figure out why it keeps happening.
Well, for those of you in the latter category, I’m going to attempt to help you end the cycle.
Fellas, we are creatures of ego and pride, but also action. We don’t want to feel things for too long; we want to take active steps and find permanent solutions to our problems. So, with that in mind, I present to you a short guide on how to handle it when a woman runs you over with a train and stomps on your heart.
Note: this is for girlfriend break-ups, something in which I have experience. As to if you are married and the wifey just hit the bricks, sorry, but I got nothing. I will, however, be happy to refer you to others who have gone through that, and I can certainly give advice from the point of view of a child of divorce, but that’s for another article, one that I pray I never have to write.
Finally, before we begin, this is for when YOU get dumped, not the other way around. That is another article as well, but one I certainly will write, because it’s just as important.
Too long, we think only of ourselves. We should be thinking of others. I’m not going to fight that, but slowly inch you towards that direction.
In the final analysis, unless you have your head up your ass, you will most likely see this coming.
But just in case the interior of your colon is a familiar sight to you…
7 Signs you’re about to get dumped…
1) The Sex Goes downhill: Yeah, it was a friggin’ Zalman King movie for the first couple of months, now? She’s always on her period, about to be, or not in the mood. This might lead you to:
2) You get needy: Nothing turns a woman off more than a needy dipshit of a boyfriend. This is probably you.
3) She pulls the Come here/Get Away Bullshit: Girls have a great deal of difficulty making up their minds, but if she is doing this, she’s already made it but isn’t aware of it yet.
4) She no longer laughs at your lame jokes: And they are lame, trust me. You’re not Lenny Bruce, dipshit. She laughed when you first started dating because she instinctively knew that stroking your ego as well as your penis would be beneficial to her.
5) You tell her you love her, she doesn’t respond: Big one. If you drop an L-bomb and it’s not immediately returned, you either did it too soon or you got the wrong girl.
6) She blows you off with regularity: does she not make plans with you anymore? Is she going out without you to bars and not invite you? Does she always have to work or always have to work out or…fill in the blank. If you are in a long distance relationship (you shouldn’t be, btw) does she tell you, “You don’t have to work about coming in this weekend?” (true story, wish I was kidding).
7) She starts making decisions that show you that you are an option instead of a priority: Is she talking about moving and doesn’t once mention how you might feel about it?
If one or more of those things above is true, then you are most likely headed towards:
Your soon-to-be ex has the following options with which to break up with you:
In Person: The most mature and adult method, and therefore, the least likely. This is also the most difficult to do, as she must look you in the eye and pull your heart out and drive a stake into it.
Over the Phone: The happy middle ground, and the most likely (if she has any decency or maturity).
Via Messaging: The best-case scenario for you, because if she does this, she has the maturity of a 2-year old, and you know right away, at least logically, that you are better off. But since when does logic have anything to do with the matter of the heart? Oh well.
So, with those three scenarios in mind, here is how you handle yourself in each one:
First, remember, as I said before, she broke up with you a week ago, maybe longer, in her mind. So the first, and biggest thing to keep in mind, is that you cannot change hers. It is already made up. The only thing you can do is convince her that she is right, and truth be told, she probably is. Because if she is breaking up with you, this is not a relationship you want to be in. You do not want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.
She walks into your place, sits down. You sit with her. You do not try to touch her, or kiss her. Why? Because you know what is coming.
HER: Listen, I just…I just, I don’t think I can do this anymore. I mean, I love you very much, and you are such a great guy, and…
Right now, she is saying a bunch of things that may sound like you have an opening to save this, but no such opening exists. It’s all a lie. This is not to mean that she is lying to you; she is not. Rather, she is working her way through it, doing the best she can. Remember, even though she is dumping you, she is going through a hard time, too. That’s true, but it’s not your problem. Nothing she says should have any affect on you. You simply respond with the following:
YOU: I understand, and, I wish you all the best.
Now, get her out of there as soon as possible. Let her hug it out, she will probably cry, or not. Either way, get her away from you as quickly as possible. Stay calm, no tears, no yelling, no begging. It won’t do any good.
You are now a robot. If she gets mad, screw her; she just dumped you.
Over the Phone:
Pretty much the same as having it done in person. Get off the phone ASAP and start the process (keep reading).
Via Messaging: This is the easy one. Not much of a script to follow:
HER: I don’t want to see you anymore.
YOU: Okay. Have a good day.
Block her, log off, and…
The First 24 Hours
They are gonna suck. Trust me.
Man, they are really gonna suck. And the best thing you can do for yourself is just to accept it.
1) Clean house
Go home, walk inside, and do not, repeat, do not hesitate to spring to action. All pictures of you and her? Take ‘em down. All the mementos? Put ‘em in a box. And all her stuff she left there? Put them in another box. Set it aside. We’ll call that the “ex” box.
2) Hostage Exchange
The Ex Box? Time to return it to her. Perhaps you’re not ready to be in a room with her. That’s okay; that is what the United States Postal Service, no matter how incompetent they may be, is for.
3) Take a Shower
Time to purify your water of Lake Mini-not-gonna-call her. Wash your hair, wash your ass, and…
4) Scorch the Earth
That’s right; shave your balls. You heard me. Time for a control burn clean out the forest in the interest of emotional purity.
5) Social Media
If you are, “In a Relationship,” time to change that…but NOT to “single.” Change it to nothing. To do otherwise will bring an onslaught of, “OH MY GOD, I’M SO SORRY!” from all of your friends. You do not want that, and speaking of which…
6) No crying on the Internet
There is nothing more sad and pathetic, that’s right, pathetic, PAH-THEH-TIC, then going on Facebook and writing things like, “I’m so sad…L…I miss her so much…” You will do nothing but start a vicious cycle of pity that will never end. Eventually, everyone will stop feeling sorry for you and start ignoring you. Resist the urge and put all of that stuff in a private journal.
7) Clean the Calendar
Odds are, since she dumped you, you had plans in the near future with her. Go into your calendar (I use iCal, for example) and delete all of it. She is no longer part of your life, and she will no longer be a part of your future. The sooner you realize this and accept this, the better.
8) Inform your Best Friends
Call your best buds and tell him everything. Now is the time to let loose, a little bit. Cry on the phone. Tell him everything, hold nothing back.
9) Drink 10 cups of H20
You have been crying all day, maybe you have. Maybe not. Either way, hydrate yourself. 10 cups. Do it. As a matter of fact, if you read this article you would be doing that anyway.
The Next Six Days
1) Easy on the booze, as in, none whatsoever.
Wouldn’t you know it? Alcohol really is a depressant! Take whatever feelings you are having, and multiply them by at least 4. That is what each drink does to you, so if you are sad and depressed, well…you can do the math.
2) No Drugs
There is no chemical solution to a spiritual problem. If you have a problem existing in this area, then that is beyond my help, but if you are tempted to start, please don’t. Sure, it will give you a temporary high, but it will be followed by something so much worse.
3) Cold Turkey
No contact with her. Beyond the hostage exchange, cut off all contact with her and do not be tempted to believe you can get her back. You cannot. She dumped you, dude. Her mind was made up a long time ago.
4) Watch the Backslide
Once again…you cannot get her back. It’s over.
5) Talk To Your Friends…but Not TOO Much
Do not be that guy who never shuts up about the girl who dumped him. You have a week, and only a week, to talk about it to your friends. And spread it out; don’t burden just your best friend with everything. And ask for honest feedback. And actually listen.
The First Weekend…Or Second…or Beyond…
1) Time to Remember Who You Are
You were an awesome dude before you met her. You will be an awesome dude after. We have been fed a spoonful of lies over the centuries telling us that we have to find the “one.” Bullshit. You will eventually find someone to share your life with, not dominate it. And whoever it is, it’s not her.
2) Watch Four Films…
Brokeback Mountain: Don’t give me that “gay cowboy movie” excuse. These guys have it way worse than you ever will. Sometimes we can’t always get what we want. Sometimes love ends in tragedy. But at least you feel something.
Casablanca: Learn that duty is more important than love sometimes.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall & (500) Days of Summer: Two great films that teach the same important lesson about what to do when some chick runs you over.
3) Get Back Out There…But Nothing Serious
First, go to a strip club with a budget; 100 bucks. That will buy you the cover, a drink or two, and three lap dances. You need to see new boobies immediately. Get it over with, bring a friend, and DO NOT think you can make friends with the strippers. Even if you could, you don’t want to.
Then, go out with your buddies, hit the bars, and hit on chicks. It’s gonna be hard, but get back on the horse. Do NOT mention that you just got dumped. You are not some injured young fawn being re-released into the wild. Women will find that pathetic.
4) The First Girl You Plow
The first time you bone a new girl, it might feel weird. It might even sting a bit (emotionally, not otherwise; wear a condom, dumbass). But you gotta get it done.
5) Beware the Rebound
You may be tempted to jump right into a new relationship. You must resist this temptation. This is the wrong move, brother. You need to stay single for at least 4 months. Go ahead and date, but you should not get a new girlfriend for at least 4 months. Why? Because if you have felt compelled to read this far, that means that it all applies to you, that you just got mauled by a mountain lion, and you gotta recover in the emotional ICU until you are ready to get back out there again.
Brother, they are all the wrong one until they are the right one. The problem, however, is that the wrong ones will sting like hell until you find the right one. The wrong ones hurt. They will stomp on your heart. They will make you doubt yourself and wonder if you are ever truly worthy of a woman’s love.
Let me tell you, my friend; you are worthy. You are worth it. You are awesome and it’s high time you figure that out. And to help you do so, I will close this article out with the final lesson. Ready?
Make yourself happy alone.
Let no one but yourself be responsible for your happiness.
How do you do that?
Follow your dreams.
Don’t just dream, follow through. Become a man of action; figure out something that you love to do, you’re good at, and makes you money, and go start doing that.
From now on, now that you are single and free, I want you to stay that way for the time being. You are now in an exclusive relationship with your ship…which means you are the Captain of your ship. You know one of the reasons Captain Kirk was such a stud with the ladies, green skinned or otherwise? He was always married to the Enterprise (geek moment, forgive me) and now it’s time for you to figure out what your metaphorical Enterprise is, take the helm, and go exploring into the stars.
If I can do it, so can you. Good luck.
While we are waiting for our technical difficulties to resolve themselves (the next podcast with Melissa and Tracy will be up Saturday, followed by one by me alone next Wednesday), I thought I’d share this with you, a slight addendum to my last solo one about how to talk to women.
Here are a few things NOT to say to get the ball rolling with the fairer sex:
“Do I know you from somewhere?” I tried this the other day in DC, and guess what? I was being sincere; I really thought she looked familiar (I’m convinced we went to college together). But I got shot down like an idiot. Big mistake. Even sincerity doesn’t work with this one.
“You’re hot”: She already knows that, and you are now pathetic for trying.
“What’s going on/What’s up?/Hey” Ditto. Says the same thing, and you are boring. You need to ask an open ended question that shows your wit and your sincere interest in her, not a couple of syllables that ask her to do all the work.
“Are you going to keep staring or are you going to come over?” Yup, tried this one a few years ago, got shot down in flames. You want to appear the alpha and confident, not an arrogant jerk. Indeed, I know when I’m being checked out. But this is not the way to handle it.
“Put them away.” Yes, this happened once, by my hand. Guilty. Yes, girls will show off their assets, and the unfair world we live in dictates that we must pretend to ignore them (all two of them). It sucks, but if you can keep your eyes engrossed in hers and not her amazing cans on display, you just might be able to see said-cans in the nude later on.
Any more you wish to share? Ladies? Jump in!