Finally!  The Sensitive Nice Guy show broadcasts LIVE (delayed ) from the sparkling Las Vegas Hilton, and we have two very special guests; April and Vernon, alums of the wonderful Star Trek Experience, of which I was a regular until it closed last year.

And yes, that girl “Tiffany” ended up being a prostitute and propositioned me.  Stay tuned…

Everyone should have a friend like Samantha. The male equivalent gets you into the Playboy Mansion.

Of course Miranda tries to one up Samantha. I hate you. Yes, what’s it going to take? You already have his balls, his penis, his heart, in your vag. What do you want, his soul?

Fashion week. More evidence that blind people are the seamstresses.

This movie’s stock just jumped up by showing what complete moonbats PETA are. I hate PETA.  Please be aware that they don’t care about ethical treatment of animals.  They want TOTAL ANIMAL LIBERATION.  Think about it.  Chloe HATES PETA more than I do.  Think about it.

“Played for the other team” You have no idea how right you are, Carrie.

Wait…is Carrie…actually…coming around…to another person’s point of view?  Satan just called. It’s cold down there in his neck of the woods.

Miranda, good for you for confessing .  Now, Carrie, time to pull an Untouchables and bash her over the head with a baseball bat. “I tried to tell you.” Do or do not, there is no try, doll-face.

But I’m actually going to take Miranda’s side, for the first time, like, ever. You can’t “make” someone do anything. Big is called Big for a reason. And if he’s going to let a dumbass like Miranda affect his life, he’s not Big anymore. He’s Medium.

Finally some DD’s. From a distance, and fake, but again, any port in the storm.

Samantha, honey, HE DIDN’T KNOW THAT YOU HAD A SURPRISE FOR HIM. God I will never get women sometimes. And now this screenplay just took a dip into Stupid-ville, population, Smith. NOTHING this man has done since the moment we met him would have him react like this. I know where this is going.

Forgiveness is everything. Sanjay agrees.

Okay what the fuck is this therapy hippy bullcrap? If we both show up, then the past is gone? Steve, in the past your balls were in her purse. Now they have been ground up into fishbait and tossed into the Hudson.

God bless DVD FREEZE FRAME ON THE PROS AND CONS LIST. Look at the Cons list. Dependent. Nose hair. Not driven. You forgot “annoying voice,” “pussy” “push-over” “wimp,” and “douche.”

Brooklyn Bridge. And now he’s crying. I…I…I got nothing.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW(sex scene with Miranda)WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

New Age philosophy isn’t the secret? You gals are a bit late to the logic party, but you’re welcome nonetheless!

More man ass. Awesome. And FUCK A PENIS. This is why I didn’t see this movie in the theaters.  Then again, there is a double standard in movies.  From a completely logical point of view….nevermind.

How many times can I say this you cannot turn Squank into a Sweetheart.

Samantha, honey, you need to work on your breakup technique. But Smith, you are a class act. You gave her that ring. I had an ex steal a hairdryer from me and still hasn’t returned it. Granted, I bought it, you know, for girls who come cover and, you know, sleep on the couch and stuff, but still. The hostage exchange is never a pretty one. It’s nice when the two people are adults. Anyway, Smith, SUIT UP. Time to party. She was about to hit 50 dude. And you still haven’t finished puberty yet.  Meet up at the Viceroy at midnight.

Saint Louise. Amen to that. I’d miss her too.  She is hands down my favorite character in this movie.  Which by the way, I am loving.

I just realized that Charlotte has no story arc in this movie. Her job is to be the greek chorus, get knocked up, and bump into Big in a restaurant. And have her water break. And have Big take her to the GEE I wonder where this movie is going?

Love. Duh.

Dude. You retyped Beethoven? Make up your own shit!

“That dress makes your boobies look big!” I love you, little girl.

“The Light looked different.” Never forget that perception is 90% of reality.

She runs into his arms because he’s holding shoes. Shoes are the way to a woman’s heart. Not diamonds.

Did they just fuck in the closet?

“All business and no romance. That’s not the way you propose to someone.” Damn. Right. And all the women in the theater cry. And all of their men get laid tonight.

“Would have been nice if you had the girls.” Atta boy. Fellas, never forget her friends. A relationship doesn’t change your life, it enhances it. Never forget it.

It is New York state law that you have to be a woman or a gay man to use the word, “fabulous.”

The End. Finally. I need another martini.

Yes, she’s dressed like a princess…from, uh…I’m not sure. Far, far, far far far far far far away…

Big, if you want to talk to her, GET OUT OF THE FRIGGING LIMO.

Carrie, you suck for ripping into the Iphone. But you’re about to get left at the altar, and I like you, so I forgive you.

Sure enough, Big leaves Carrie at the altar (er, the steps). Saw this coming. No one else in this movie did? PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR MAN, LADIES.

Okay. He just changed his mind. This is how you know this show/flick was/is written by women and gay men. STRAIGHT GUYS DON’T DO THIS. If we get cold feet, we run. Period.

BIG GETS OUT OF THE LIMO AND TRIES TO APOLOGIZE: Bad Idea Jeans. The flowers on the head didn’t scare me. However, Charlotte’s bellowing baritone of “NO!!!!!!!!!!” put shivers up my spine. Hell have no fury like a woman ditched at the altar, and God help you if she has two friends in fugly dresses giving you the stink eye.

Me, if I were Big, I’d probably try to defend myself, like saying, “Ya know, honey, in addition to the past 10 years of you over-analyzing every single FUCKING detail of our dysfunctional relationship, your obnoxious witch with a capital B and the f-ed up teeth decided to monkey with my head because of her own personal issues, completely selfishly. Sorry if I was out of my head for a moment.”
That’s right, ladies. If your husband cheats on you, make sure no one else around you is happy. Especially your cool friend who got a billionaire to marry her.

God I hate Miranda.

And New York. It is not America. It is like the Vatican inside Rome. Everyone in there thinks they are better than the rest of us.

Thank you Judas, I will have another “nothing.”

Yes, Carrie, this is all Big’s fault. What is your role in this? Anything? Are you completely blameless? No matter how flat you make a fucking pancake, there are two sides.

Once again I am reminded why I like this show, and ultimately, these four women. Men may come and go, but you’re friends are there foreFUCK YOU MIRANDA. Nevermind. Miranda, you’re not actually sorry, you’re feeling guilty. And Charlotte, stop sniffing glue.

But I like Samantha still. God bless her teeny tiny slutty little heart. Welcome to Meh-hee-ko!

I have to give the filmmakers credit; they are actually showing Carrie’s vulnerability, and by proxy, her humanity. No matter the circumstances, pain is pain. I actually do feel bad for her. Then I look at her clothes and feel slightly less bad.

The master suite. Ouch. I’m laughing. “Am I dreaming?” Ouch again. Now, not so much. Depression sucks.

Oh holy God stab my eyes. As if I needed another reason to feed Miranda to a pack of rabid wolves with AIDS. Ladies, please, TRIM THE HEDGES. Preferably, scorch the earth. The size of the forrest is indirectly proportional with how much time we will spend downtown. Less leads to more, got it?

Thank you, Samantha, for once again being the voice of reason, why don’t you and I get a drink or four la…shut up Jordan! And yes, Miranda, it IS your fault! Look! Women, every time you wonder why men are frustrated with the female race, please watch this exchange between Miranda and Samantha. Make of it what you will.

Did you know that Samantha once played a Vulcan in a Star Trek movie? No wonder I have mixed emotions about her.

I once went to Mexico with a girlfriend. She was Mexican. I was not. More on that later.

Mariachi bands are something I am officially filing under “God’s Mistakes.”

“After 10 years of what he put me through.” Um, Carrie, darling, I seem to remember you home-wrecking his second marriage to Bridget Rockwel…I mean Moynahan. But alas I digress, this is all about you.

Okay this movie is officially a chick. “I put a bird on my head.” This franchise is all about the fashions yet in the same movie, it is ripping into said-fashions. You cannot have it both ways, movie. Pick one. My way or the chick-way.

“I threw it all away to put his name on the honeymoon suite.” Yup. And now you get it.

Samantha, what planet? The planet where you get to live out every pre-menopausal woman’s dream, THAT planet, the one to the right of fucking Krypton, Ms. Narcissist. Your stock just dropped, babe.

Yes, you can’t drink the water in Mexico. But have a couple drops of water in your mouth won’t give you the runs. But as I found out, drinking Pina Colada’s at a hole in the wall in Puerto Vallarta will. I got sick for a day, the G-friend didn’t. She was born there. Go figure. And I’m telling you this to distract myself from the fact that the one cute chick on this show just shit her pants on camera. God hates me. STOP LAUGHING BITCHES!

Yes, all those voicemails that you missed that just made you chuck the phone into the ocean should remind you that MAYBE you had a part in this. Guilt sucks, doesn’t it?

The first two interviews make me laugh. The third one doesn’t make any sense. Gay jokes by straight guys are funny. Gay jokes by gay guys are not.

This movie just took a left turn into Weird-ville, population Jennifer Hudson. Honey, if you show off the goods, we are going to look. Period. That crosses over all racial and cultural boundaries. Black, white, Jew, Muslim, we all love the boobies.

“White Guy With a baby” Wow. I need to look around the floor for my jaw.

Charlotte’s pregnant. Honey, you said you were on the pill!

Would it trouble you to show me at least one female nipple that isn’t a 4 year-old?

Smith, you are awesome. And insightful. And when she dumps you later in this flick, you are going to get so much ass. I will hang out with you simply to get your overflow.

Carrie, if NYPD sees a white chick in thigh-high fuck-me boots on a pay phone in Manhattan, they are going to think you are dealing ecstasy. Just saying.

“I don’t know what to say.” Yes you do. Man the fuck up and say it!

Miranda dressing up as a witch. I don’t even need to insert a joke here. Wow. Maybe the writers are finally waking up to the Frankenstein monster they created.

Charlotte, God bless your little heart, but…actually, you’re right. Everyone who sees that issue of Vogue will take Carrie’s side. Think about it.

Damn. The movie made an Uncle Fester joke about Charlotte’s hubby before I could.

I like Carrie as a brunette. I ALMOST find her attractive.

Do you realize the stupidity of giving a shit what your area code is? Do you realize why there is an entire chunk of men who think women are the weaker sex? This is not helping your cause!

FINALLY AN ADULT FEMALE NIPPLE. Granted, it is from a distance with a zoom lense, and the boob attached to said-nipple is tiny, but oh well. Beggers can’t be choosers.

The wedding dress. Ouch. “I miss him. Every day.” I hear ya, doll.

I like that Jennifer Hudson is the voice of reason. I like her. This show needed some sass.

“So happy that I’m terrified.” Side note. Most people who feel this way have a fight or flight response that when they get something good, they don’t believe they deserve it/don’t think it’s going to last. So they take off. Glad to see Charlotte isn’t one of them. I need to give her more credit

Don’t cry. Steve. Man up. Common…FUCK. Too late. I hate you but I am rooting for you.

I wish I could have seen the collective expression of all the women in the audience as Carrie wolfed down the noodles. The carbs!

I did New Years in NYC once. Freezing. Never. Again.

Smith. Dude. You are WASTING YOUR YOUTH ON A COUGAR.

When the camera panned over to Steve in bed and we saw his armpit hair, I honestly though it was going to be Miranda.

I love the gays. I really do. Happy New Year.

I am glad to see the writers of this movie share my sense of humor and love of dogs humping things.

Okay that’s enough for now.

To be concluded…

I’m going to watch the Sex and the City movie.

But what would be the fun in just watching it and not commenting on it, yeah?

Why not?

So, here is my running commentary. Enjoy!

OPENING LOGOS: AH…New Line. We miss you already. You gave us Lord of the Rings and Freddy Krueger. But you also gave us this and House Party 3. We’ll see…

I can only imagine the screams of women as the music kicked in opening night. Guys have Indiana Jones (though not anymore, thanks for the raping, Lucas and Spielberg), and chicks have this. And the world just keeps on spinning.

The Opening Montage is a nice way to recap the series, and introduce the characters to those of us who have never seen it.
Speaking of which…

CARRIE: I like her. She’s a good writer, and though the actress that plays her is not someone I personally find physically attractive, I dig her style (her wit, not her clothes). She overthinks things WAY too much, and treated Aidan like SHIT, but we all make mistakes. And fellas, remember, every girl has her “Big.” If you aren’t hers, figure that out now, and run. Vapor trails.
CHARLOTTE: Like her even more. Can’t imagine why??
MIRANDA: For all the reasons I love Carrie and Charlotte, I flat out despise Miranda. Ever notice how the only guys she dated on the show, and of course, the dude who ended up with her, were complete total whinny pushovers? Think about it. Long and hard. Honey, you aren’t nearly hot enough for me to put up with you. The amount of an annoying succubus you are must directly correspond with how hot you are. And Miranda, you are WELL below the Heidi Klum line.
SAMANTHA: The kind of chick I would want to hang out with as a friend, and would have probably nailed years ago. Nowadays I know that with the number of sexual partners she’s had, it is statistically impossible for this broad not to have some horrible incurable third world disease. Oh fellas, I gurantee that Smith find out in this flick that you can’t turn a ho into a housewife. I have learned that the hard way in my personal life. Samantha, I love ya, but a leopard can’t change its spots. I almost feel sorry for your little pup.

OKAY, back to the movie:

“HOT DRESS” – Uh, no it’s not. I sense a trend of horrible fashion coming. You know, the kind that emphasizes the flaming gay man who designed it instead of the beautiful feminine woman who is wearing the damn thing.

Yup. For all you out there who are friends with writers, beware. You might end up a meal ticket. Did they ever explore the idea in the show that maybe the three of them don’t like being fodder for what basically amounts to a gossip column? Wait…I just felt the hypocrite monster tap me on the shoulder…

Uh, you know that Miranda in real life went lesbian, right? I am not remotely surprised.

Smith, buddy, RUN! You still have your looks!

Fellas. You get money, you get laid. End of story. And chicks will ask you to tell you that they are “the one.” Hence my MBA.

You people do realize that the number of dresses used in the first 4 minutes of this movie could slash our national debt level in half, right?

I never want to live in NYC for the simple reason that I want to avoid NYC realtors like these.

I wonder what would happen if Big put all of his money in a Ponzi scheme. Would Carrie still want him? Just asking. Make of that what you will.

Miranda actually looks kinda ho…SHUT UP JORDAN. Charlotte, lovely as always. And the costumes make me want to shove my head into a weed-wacker, as usual. Hey look, it’s Curious George’s slutty cougar aunt!

Hell hath no fury like a woman dumped. And God help you if you gave her a shit load of overrated crappy jewelry.

Please someone smack the auction broad in the face with a shovel. Finish the job that God started.

“50 fucking 1000”. I suddenly remember why I like Samantha.

“She was a smart girl, until she fell in love” Do I actually hear a logical argument in a Sex and the City story?

Carrie is actually a smart cookie. Manipulating a ba-jillionaire into slapping a rock on her finger. Don’t like it, but I respect it.

Most romantic proposal ever. The women in the theaters must have gone ape-shit. You know why? HE’S LOADED

And now I realize why Charlotte is easy on the eyes yet really really hard on the ears.

Likewise, why Samantha is easy on the ears yet really hard on the STD test.

So the inciting incident of this picture is Carrie Bradshaw getting engaged. Since this is a chick flick and a female fantasy/man-bashing fest, the over/under of Big either cheating on her or ditching her at the altar is about 2:1.

I simply can’t believe that the OTHER three ladies in this flick didn’t jump into Thunderdome and chant THREE DYSFUNCTIONAL WOMEN ENTER, ONE CRAZY CHICK LEAVE in order to determine who the maid of honor would be. I guarantee you that Kim Cattrall put it in her contract that she would do the honors on screen.

Evan Handler is funny as hell in Californication. I almost forgot he was in this show. He bagged himself a hot piece of ass Chicksa (Melissa, help me out with the spelling) AND got her to convert AND he’s a bald douche (in the show)? Nice pull!

Designer dresses. What women and gay men find important. AKA 99% of this film’s target audience.

So, in NYC, the only two kinds of people are mindless snobs in designer clothes and Guido Yankee fans?

First fugly bridal dress of the day. Did they hire Stevie Wonder to do the costume design?

I suddenly realize how bitchy I sound critiquing the fashions. Fuck it. It’s the Sex and the City Movie. You don’t dip your toe in, you jump right into the deep end. I am determine to get at the bottom at what drives the mysterious creature known as “ye who packs a vagina” and there’s no turning back now.

Big has man boobs. Real men have man boobs. If they don’t, they’re gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but just keep that in mind, ladies.

Another advantage to being as rich as Uncle Scrooge; you can indulge just about every whim of your crazed ring-hungry fiancée, like having your wedding at the NYC public library.

Steve. My least favorite character in fiction. EVER. His balls have been in Miranda’s purse since season 1. I hate him. He makes men look bad. I guess some men like girls like her. I’ll never get it. Guys, please. Don’t be like him. Or else you’ll end up married to HER.

FINALLY. Some Sex in the City. Wait. It’s Miranda and Ms. Steve. Wow. What is the opposite of a boner?

“Um.” Sex is supposed to be passionate. And full of love. And NAKED, Miranda. Keep your shirt on is an expression, not a mandate for marital bliss.

Samantha, please save us the trouble and tattoo “RIDE BAREBACK AT YOUR OWN PERIL” on your forehead.

I am really loving this movie, in spite of myself.

Miranda, please see a dentist. You’re rich. By not doing so, you are smacking everyone on this planet without dental insurance in the face.

Fellas. Don’t EVER put up with your woman getting pissed at you for telling your buddies about her tits. Because they talk about your penis with their g-friends all the time. And this damn show/movie tells them that’s okay.

Smith. You can’t turn a demon-slut into a debutante.

Yes! Another sex scene…but it’s chock full of man ass. I just remembered I’m watching a chick flick.

The walk-in closet. Jesus. This is why I am getting my MBA.

I like the 80’s. I like Samantha.

I don’t think Ms. Parker ate anything for a week before shooting this sceFUCK MIRANDA DON’T STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP.

We FINALLY see a topless chick in this flick…and it’s a 4-year old girl. Thanks, writers.

Steve, buddy, you don’t look so good….

FINALLY, you grabbed your sack back! Thing is, I wanna see the chick you snogged. She is officially the unsung off-screen hero of this movie for me.

Miranda, do you wanna know why he strayed? When you deny a man sex for 6 FUCKING MONTHS, HE IS GOING TO STRAY. Even a raging pussy-douche mangina like Steve has his needs.

See, usually, the jilted wife makes the man sleep on the couch. Instead, Miranda hits the couch herself. Think about it.

“I can barely even look at him.” The feeling is mutual, doll-face.

Ever since Charlotte married Lex Luthor, she’s been so happy. Four times that week. Nice! Marriage rocks.

Ladies. We don’t speak chick. So follow Carrie’s example in the scene about the dress “uping the ante” and translate. Also, pay attention to us. Pay attention to our feelings. You’re not the only ones who have them. “I didn’t even know that was an issue?” Wake up, woman! Oh, and fellas? Women want romance. City Hall ain’t cutting it. In a functional relationship, there are two people, not one.

The night before. Congratulations, Big. One Vagina for the rest of your life.

“We never kiss and tell”? Um, isn’t she, like a writer about, well…

“Hey dickwad, I’m speaking!” I find myself drawn to Samantha once again. Yes she’s been fucked by a train but she’s cool as shit.

Big. Meet your exact opposite. Steve.

Notice that when Samantha tells Miranda, “Steve’s here,” there is a painting of a tiny fucking penis directly to her left? Make of that what you will.

“I changed who I was for you.” It’s dialogue like that that makes guys like me hate girls like Miranda. And Big sincerely tries to help her out, be there for her. And how does she react? BY BEING A MEDDLING WENCH. Awesome. She just planted a nice big ‘ol shrew-bomb in Big’s head. The odds are now 1:1 he’s half-way to Napa.

Little girl’s first word: sex. Way to go, ladies! It’ll be sunshine and kittens from now on and no way will she end up in student health at age 15 with the clap.

“We’ve both done everything we can to screw it up.” Nice line. Couldn’t agree more.

Do I hear a woman tell her man to stop thinking about things too much? Okay. We are now officially in fantasy land.

You know, I think that Carrie is going to look so beautiful in her WHAT THE FUCK???? Seriously. I…am speechless. But not in the good way.

Big is in his tux, but trying to call his fiancée. And the screenwriters have the 5 year old answer the phone to keep the plot moving. Gee, do you think he’s putting on his sneakers to go for a RUN?

To be continued…